Well …. I really don’t know what to say but we had the transfer cancelled yet again (I’ve lost count now, it’s the 4th or 5th cancel). The second G-CSF wash did not thicken my lining. The lining looked better in quality (triple stripe) but it didn’t get thicker. I am pretty much at my breaking point and something needs to happen. It’s been over a year now since the first cancelled transfer and I am beyond frustrated that the doctors cannot figure out what is wrong with my lining. First it was scarring, we had it removed, and it didn’t seem to change. The only miss is both doctors failed to have me on this medication that could have saved me time while we hit pause last fall until now. The medication called trental is apparently best when taken for a longer period of time as it helps blood circulation.
Next steps: The doctor wants me to be on trental for 2-3 months now. I also challenged him by asking if my body may not be receptive to the estrogen that we are adding to my body. My lining for my natural pregnancies were around 9mm so could we check my lining without medication? He said yes, let’s leave no stone unturned. Also, we will consult with another IVF doctor that was recommended by our lining specialist. It doesn’t make sense for us to fly to another state (where our last embryo is) and go back and forth. It will be more costly, and at this point it’s time to change doctors. We checked my ovarian reserve about 8 months ago and it was really good for my age. Hoping it has not changed much so we can retrieve more eggs. We are hoping to get another 2 genetically tested embryos which will reduce our reliance on the last embryo, and more importantly get my lining in order. All the while, we will still move forward on figuring out the surrogacy process to better understand it should we reach that point. I was given access to a database of surrogates, but it just seems so foreign and weird to pay a stranger to do this. It may be kismet, but there is a fertility expo at the end of April which may be helpful to us. The expo will feature seminars on adoption and surrogacy, and we are hoping that it will be an efficient and streamlined day of information gathering and discussion. Amusingly, my lining specialist is slated to be a speaker, and will be discussing “Uterine Causes of Repeated Miscarriages.” Small world?
While we wait for the new doctor consult, I am looking through my records and making notes to prepare for the appointment.
Getting Back to Life
I am very thankful that the stars have aligned at this moment. I have three fun things planned before my leave is over (April 16 – I return to work). This Friday, I am going to Disneyland! I have been dying to go for a while now, and a good friend of mine will accompany me while she is in town on business, so we will make a day of it! I am very excited to eat all of the churros while earning a reprieve from eliminating carbs and sugar! For Easter, Jack and I will see Book of Mormon. We initially scheduled it post transfer, as “they say” that laughter helps the embryo to implant! We have been wanting to see it anyway, having balked at ticket prices while in New York; so I’ll take it. And next week, one of my best friends booked a last minute flight to see me and cheer me up. We will have a girls weekend at the beach and pamper ourselves. Jack had a trip planned a while back, so timing worked out seamlessly. He can enjoy his trip without feeling bad that he’s leaving me alone [Jack Edit: I had planned on cancelling between having missed so much time at work and wanting to cheer up Janet]. I’d be fine in solace but he is glad I have something planned, as I haven’t had any “fun” time while my life has been dictated by a string of doctor appointments. He said to spend all of the money (just kidding) [Jack Edit: “…”]! There is no pay during my time off; so we have been trying to be conservative… but YOLO! At least I am going back to work soon, and it will help to replenish our funds.
I know there’s nothing that can be done by being mad or not being able to control this situation. Sometimes I wonder what the heck is going on and why this journey is so hard for us. I know I will get back up again, but I am cursing the world right now. Rant over. [Jack Edit: The good news is, we are permitted our indulgent feelings, and they at least help us to cope.]
I currently feel like I’m playing a really awful infertility board game that keeps sending me to jail.